Real Loss I don't usually pass on news like this, but sometimes we need to pause and remember what life is about. There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world. Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey," died last week at age 83. It was especially difficult for the family. They had trouble keeping him in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and...well, you know the rest.
Funny Michigan State Slogans That Never Made It: Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
How many college students does it take to change a light bulb?
*At Michigan it takes two. One to change the bulb and one more to brag how they did it every bit as well as any Ivy League School.
*At Michigan State it takes two thousand. One to change the bulb, and the other one thousand nine hundred ninety nine to riot and set it on fire.
*At Grand Valley State it takes ten, one to change the bulb and the other nine to sit around and watch because it is the big entertainment of the evening.
*At Ferris it takes zero. They are all too drunk from the night before to care whether or not the lights are on.
*At Eastern it takes four. One to change the bulb, one to steal the new bulb from the store, one as a look out, and one to drive the getaway car.
*At Central it takes eight. One to screw it in and seven to throw a party over it.
*At Western it takes twelve, two to figure out how to screw it in and ten to find an ugly enough lampshade to match their school colors.
*At Adrian it takes zero. There is no electricity in Adrian, only cows and corn (or Albion, for that matter).
*At Northern it takes five. Four to strap on snow shoes and hike 10 miles to the nearest store to get the new bulb and one to screw it in.
*At Michigan Tech it takes twenty. One to change the bulb and the other nineteen to find a new way to engineer it so it never has to be changed again.
Yooper Guide To Computer Terms
*LOG ON Making `da wood stove hotter at camp.
*LOG OFF Don`t add no wood.
*MONITOR Keep an eye on `da stove after you log on and open the draft.
*MEGAHERTZ When a big log drops on your bare foot in the morning.
*Floppy Disk What you get from piling too much wood.
*RAM Da hydraulic ting that makes da wood splitter work.
*HARD DRIVE Gettin home durin most of the winter in da Yooperland.
*Prompt What you wish the mail was during the snowy season.
*ENTER Come on in, eh!
*WINDOWS What you shut when it gets ten below.
*SCREEN What is a must during da black fly season.
*BYTE What dem black flies do.
*CHIP What you munch on during the Packer game.
*MICRO CHIP What you have left in the bag when da chips are gone.
*MODEM What you did to da hayfield last July.
*DOT MATRIX Eino Matrix`s wife.
*LAP TOP Where da grandkids sit.
*KEYBOARD Where you are suppose to hang all your keys so the wife can find dem.
*SOFTWARE Dem plastic picnic utensils.
*MOUSE Dem buggers what eats the horses grain in da barn.
*MAIN FRAME Da part of da sauna what holds up da roof.
*PORT Where the commercial fish boats park.
Da Yooper Pledge
I _____________________ pledge allegiance to the U.P.
I promise to:
1. Say "eh?" after every sentence.
2. Eat Pasties every Tuesday.
3. Go for a "carride" & pick berries.
4. Eat "kala mojaka", "juustua", and "fiilia".
5. Women: Go shopping during deer season. Man: Go to deer camp.
6. Take a sauna every Wednesday & Saturday
Da Yooper Story
In da beginning dere was nuttin.
Den on the first day God created da Upper Peninsula.
On the second day He created da partridge, da deer, da bear, da fish, and the ducks.
On da third day He said "Let dere be Yoopers to roam da Upper Peninsula".
On the forth day He created da udder world down below.
On the fifth day He said "Let there be trolls to live in the world down below".
On the sixth day He created da bridge so da trolls would have a way to get to heaven.
God saw it was good and on da seventh day, He went Huntin.
You Might Be a Yooper If...
Your wife's Lady Remington is a 30-06...
Your snowmobile costs more than your kid's college education...
Your wife's night gown says Fred Bear Archery...
A trip to the islands means Mackinac and Bois Blanc...
You're on a first name basis with the clerk at the Michigan State Unemployment Office...
You install your snow tires in early September...
You think working at McDonalds' means making the big bucks...
Your best clothes are reversible; Blaze Orange to Camouflage...
Going south for the winter means going to Escanaba...
You think that Iron Mountain is a prime example of a big city in urban decay...
You think the expression "to open a can of worms" means " to go fishing"...
You think that a Big Mac and a shake refers to the Bridge on a windy day...
People in Wisconsin act superior to you...
Your kid "aced" the 3rd grade...on his 9th try...
A new car means a 1972 AMC Gremlin...
Being a "Red Wing fan" means you like their new line of hiking boots...
You watched the "Ricki Lake Show" because you thought it was a show about fishing...
You answer the question "How many Yoopers does it take to change a light bulb?" with "None, we don't have electricity"...
You consider Velcro to be high tech...
You think that the Mackinac ferry refers to, well, you know...
You view working the drive-through window as an important career advancement...
You only know Ted Nugent for his archery equipment...
You think the phrase "It's all down hill from here" is an advertisement for the local Ski Lodge...
Your telephone number has 3 digits...or less...
You think that a 6 pack of Strohs, a bag of Doritos, salsa and bean dip cover 4 of the 7 basic food groups...
You think your family tree is the one in the backyard with the tire swing...
You saw a sign that said "Drink Canada Dry" and you've been trying ever since...
You think Canadian Club is the hockey team from Wawa, Ontario, EH?...
Your car phone is a rotary model with a loooooong cord...
You didn't go see the movie Malcom X because you missed Malcom I through IX....
You can ice fish 9 months of the year...
You think that poached eggs means they were stolen from your neighbor's chickens...
You think that the Board of Education is the paddle the teacher womps your butt with...
You think the sign in every bar that says NO MINORS SERVED is occupationally biased...
You think the sign saying FINE FOR PARKING means this is a really good spot...
You consider Membership in the Michigan Militia as a viable military career...
Your Jr. High School has a mandatory class titled Chainsaw Operation and Repair...
You know 37 ways to prepare meals from roadkill...
Your idea of deer hunting is driving down the logging roads in your 4 wheel drive WITHOUT your gun...
When sent for a jack, you bring back a fifth of Lynchberg Tennessee's finest...
Your summer shirts are plaid wool (same as your winter shirts)...
Your mosquito repellent doubles as your aftershave...
Your daily log is something you burn for heat...
Your ice fishing shanty is better furnished than your house...
You think ice beer is leaving a 6 pack of Old Style outside overnight...
You think that The Milwaukee Brewers and the Green Bay Packers are labor unions in Wisconsin...
Your favorite bar plays both kinds of music, Country AND Western...
Indoor plumbing is something you want to have someday...
You consider a thunderstorm as a drive thru car wash...
Your wife's new fur coat came from animals you trapped yourself...
You think Barney Rubble deserves an Emmy as Best Supporting Actor...
Your local meat market sells daily roadkill specials...
Nothing in your living room clashes with your stuffed moose head...
Your local bowling alley has 6 lanes so there's no waiting...
People admiring your earthtone carpet suddenly realize it really is the earth...
Your county library has 1 book, "Dick and Jane"...
You still have all your original teeth, you just keep them in a jar on the shelf...
You know 16 ways to cook a raccoon...
Your local record store still has brand new 8 track tapes for sale...
You think a Laundromat is something soft to kneel on when you wash your clothes in the creek...
Your new goose down pillow was migrating south yesterday...
Your local movie theater is offering "Gone With The Wind" as a first run feature presentation...
Your local doctor is also the veterinarian, auto mechanic....and the school bus driver...
All of your available radio stations can be preset on the car radio's 6 buttons---3 times...
You're a witness to a spectacular car crash! Just imagine, what are the odds of both cars in the UP being in the same place at the same time...
Your friends give you a really cool nick name, like "Stinky"...
The term "Up North" refers to land due south of your house...
You fertilize the lawn by letting the cows out of the barn...
You burn your kid's Statistics text book as pornography, after all it had 1 whole chapter on standard deviations. You think that they will learn about leather, whips and sheep soon enough...
You find your car when you cut your grass...
You consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment....
You have more insurance on your snowmobile than your car...
You refer to winter mittens and hat as "choppers" and a "chook", respectfully...
You think traveling cross-country means traveling from The Soo to Green Bay...
Your favorite band is Da Yoopers...
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof...
1. If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Michigan.
2. If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because the UP is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Michigan.
3. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, You might live in Michigan.
4. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Michigan.
5. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Michigan.
6. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Michigan.
7. If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might live in Michigan.
8. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Michigan.
9. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan.
Part 2 - You know you're a true MICHIGANIAN / MICHIGANDER when . . .
1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-75.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
5. You can drive 65 mph throug h 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
>11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
15. Down South to you means Ohio.
16. A brat is something you eat.
17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.
18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
22. You drink pop and bake with soda.
23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine.
24. You can actually drink Vernors without coughing
25. You know what a Yooper is.
26. You think owning a Hon da is Un-American.
27. You know that UP is a place, not a direction.
28. You know it's possible to live in a thumb.
What's "Cold" in Michigan
60 above, New Yorkers try to turn on the heat; Michiganders plant gardens.
40 above, Italian cars won't start; Michigan people drive with the windows down.
32 above, distilled water freezes; Lake Superior's water gets thicker.
20 above, Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats; Michigan people throw on a sweatshirt.
15 above, New York landlords finally turn up the heat; Michigan people have the last cook-out before it gets too cold.
0 degrees, people in Miami cease to exist; Michigan people lick the flagpole.
20 below, Californians fly away to Mexico; Michigan people get out their winter coats.
40 below, Hollywood disintegrates; Michigan's girl scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
60 below, polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica; Michigan's boy scouts postpone "winter survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
80 below, Mt. St. Helen's freezes; Michigan people rent some videos.
100 below, Santa Claus abandons the North Pole; Michigan people get frustrated they can't thaw the keg.
297 below, microbial life survives on dairy products; Michigan cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below, all atomic motion stops; Michigan people start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 below, hell freezes over; The Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl!
Shortly after former Michigan coach Bo Schembechler passes away and enters through the Pearly Gates, former Ohio State coach Woody Hayes happens to get released from football coach purgatory. Upon his entrance to heaven, God takes Woody on a tour of the place. He shows Woody a little two bedroom house with a faded Ohio State banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your home now, Coach Hayes. You know, you should be grateful. Most people don't get their own house up here," God exclaims.
Woody looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. University of Michigan flags line both sides of the sidewalk with a huge maize and blue banner with the distinctive block "M" hanging between the marble columns.
Woody says to God, "Thanks for the home God, but let me ask you a question."
"I get this little two bedroom house with a faded OSU banner, and Bo Schembechler gets a huge mansion with new Michigan banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that God?"
God looks at him seriously for a moment then replies, "Woody, my child. You've got it all wrong. For you see...that's not Bo's house. That's mine!"
If you define Summer as three months of bad sledding... If your definition of a small town is one that doesn't have a lake... If your family breaks into violence during the UM-MSU game (any sport!)... If snow tires come standard on all your cars... If at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry... If you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week... If you can identify an Ohio accent... If owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your home town... If you learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels were off your bike... If you think Alkaline batteries were named after a Tiger outfielder... If you point at the palm of your right hand when telling people where you grew up... If you don't understand what the big deal about Chicago is... If someone asks you if you've been to Europe and you answer, "No, but I've been to Ann Arbor..." If "Down South" to you means Toledo... If you have any idea who Bob Ufer was... If octopus and hockey go together as naturally as hot dogs and baseball... If traveling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon... If you refer to your relatives in southern Michigan as "trolls" or "lopers"... If the "Big Three" can mean either Ford, Chrysler and GM or Domino's, Little Caesar's and Hungry Howie's... If a Big Mac is something you can drive across... If you have no problem spelling Mackinac Island... If you got a passport to go to Ohio... If you have as many Canadian coins in your pockets as American ones... If your kid's baseball or softball games have been ever been snowed out.. If the trees in your backyard have spigots... If you know that a place called "Kalamazoo" really exists... If you bake with "soda" and drink "pop"... If you know what a pastie is... If you drive 80 mph on the highway and pass on the right... If your favorite hockey team's mascot is an octopus... If you have a favorite hockey team... If you think there are only TWO seasons, Hockey Season and Off-Season... If you don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Vernor's... If you know how to play Euchre... If You classify your friends & relatives as "yoopers," "trolls," "Canadians," or "not from 'round here," (also classified as "Green Bay Fans," "Detroit Fans," "Toronto Fans," and "not from 'round here")... If You know at least 2 yooper jokes (like the one about the 2 brothers from Ipsheming who run red lights)... If Fudge and Bicycles remind you of your honeymoon... If You can name all 5 of the Great Lakes, and point to their locations around your left and right hands... If You don't cross picket lines... If You used to think Deer Season was included as an official school holiday... If You know that Pontiac and Cadillac are cities... If You've been to Hell and to Paradise & back again... If You had Tornado Drills in elementary school... If You know all the words to Gordon Lightfoot's classic ballad, "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"... If You can actually pronounce Ypsilanti... If your idea of reaching Climax is driving just past Kalamazoo... If the snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do... If nothing weighs more than you do... If you consider a rusty pickup a "turn-on"... If you've ever gone "trolling for taillights"... If you laugh hysterically at the "suckers" during movies of the week about hurricanes... If you can travel through Detroit and not get mugged... If your idea of creative landscaping is putting an extra pair of pink flamingos next to your blue spruce... If you think there should be a "Fudgies go home" bumper sticker on every car north of Clare... If a Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer... You eat muskrat on Fridays during Lent because it's "seafood"... If you go "Up North" for every possible holiday... If you go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home wearing shorts... If you eat potato burgers in Elmira... If you sing along with the YES MICHIGAN commercials... When you tell someone where you are from and they say: 'I thought that was part of Canada'... If your idea of the seasons is Winter, Spring and the 4th of July... If formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans and a baseball cap... If your children describe their summer vacation out of state as a "trip to Cedar Point..." If you have to go to Florida to get a tan in August... If you define "swimming season" as Labor Day weekend... If your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost... If you went to school with more than one NBA basketball player... If you know where the city of Ocqueoc is AND can pronounce it... If you have more fishing poles than teeth... If you decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend... If your two best friends are Eino and Toivo... If you know that there are two ways to spell Mackinaw/Mackinac...and know when to use them... If you know that Ontonogan isn't a geometry term... If you look forward to your retirement "Up North" rather than Florida or Arizona... If you know where the Cherry Capital of the World is... If you get wet going too far left or right... If three out of four of your friends work for "The Big Three"... If you know what "The Big Three" means... If you know WHY Paradise is colder than Hell... If you know that Saline isn't just a term for contact solution... If your town has a blizzard AND a tornado in the same week... If you want Toledo BACK... If you know the dollar value of a grocery bag filled with empty pop cans... If November 15 is a paid holiday from work... If "thumb" is a geographical rather than an anatomical term... If you expect Vernor's when you order ginger ale... If your fishing shanty is better than your house... If you have a bumper sticker that says "If they call it tourist season, what's the bag limit?"... If you drive six miles and wonder where the lake is... If you were the one who turned out the lights when you moved south... If your wife's Lady Remington is a 30.30
An Actual Message From a New Michigander...
Michigan - God's Country
Aug 12 - Moved to Michigan. It is so beautiful here. The hills are so serene and beautiful. Can hardly wait to see snow cover them. God's country...I love it here.
Oct 14 - Michigan is the most beautiful place. The leaves are turning all different colors, I love the shades of red and orange. I went for a ride through the beautiful country side and spotted some deer, they are so graceful certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise Michigan, I love it here.
Nov 11 - Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquillity. Hope it will snow soon...I love it here.
Dec 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white, it looks like a post card. We went outside and cleaned the snow off of the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight, (I won) and when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway out again. What a beautiful place. Mother nature in perfect harmony... I love Michigan.
Dec 12 - More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again (that rascal). Winter wonderland... I love it here.
Dec 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling. F@#$%^& snowplow...
Dec 22 - More of the white s@#$ fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from all this d@#% shoveling. I think the snow plow man hides around the corner and waits till I'm done shoveling my driveway...a_ _ hole!
Dec 25 - "White Christmas" my busted a@#! More friggin snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-b@#$% who drives that snow plow, I swear I'll castrate that dumb bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt this f@#$%^ ice.
Dec 28 - More white s@#$ fell last night. Been inside since Christmas Day, except for shoveling out the driveway after "Snow Plow Harry" comes by, prick...g_ _-d_ _ _ car is behind a ton of snow. The weatherman said to expect another 10 inches of s@#$ tonight. Do you know how many shovels of snow 10 inches is?
Jan 1 - Happy F@#$%^$ New Year. The weatherman was wrong (again.) We didn't get 10" last night, we got 34", stupid a_ _ weatherman anyway. At this rate it won't melt before the 4th of July. The snow plow got stuck up the road and the s@#$head had the balls to come to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I've broken 6 shovels already, shoveling all the sh@# he pushed into my driveway, I broke the last one over his f@#$%$ head.
Jan 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food, on the way back a g@#d@#$ deer ran in front of me. I hit the bastard and tore my car all to hell. Did $3,000 in damages. Those f@#$%^$ beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed all of them last November.
May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing rotted out from all the f@#$%^$ salt they keep dumping all over the road. Car looks like a piece of s@#$.
May 10 - Moved back to Virginia, I can't imagine why anyone in their right f@#$%^$ mind would ever want to live in this g@#-forsaken place called Michigan.
Satan and Michiganders A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were
allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every
so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was
doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering. Why are you tossing those
people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"
"Ah, those....." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Michigan. They're still too cold and wet to burn."
Teemu and Eino were driving their pickup truck to Michigammee. When they got to the traffic light in Negaunee, Teemu drove right through the red light. Eino cried, "Holywha, Teemu, what are you doing?" Teemu kept driving and replied, "Don't worry, my brother taught me to drive". When they got to the light in Ishpeming, Teemu drove through another red light. Eino asked, "Why do you keep running red lights?". Teemu said, "Don't worry, my brother taught me to drive". When they got to the light in West Ishpeming, Teemu slammed on the brakes and screeched to a halt at a green light. Eino asked, "Teemu, why do you drive through red lights but stop at green lights?". Teemu replied, "My brother might be coming the other way".
An Italian, a Chippewa Indian and Toivo were hunting together in the Porkies and got lost. After many hours of wandering around trying to find their way back to camp, a genie appeared and said he would grant them each a wish. The Italian answered, "I wish I was back in Kingsford with my family". Poof! He was gone. The Chippewa said,"I wish I was back in Baraga with my tribe". Poof! He was gone. The genie turned to Toivo and asked him what his wish was. Toivo thought about it for a minute and said, "Boy, I really miss those guys, I wish they were back here with me".
Toivo was at the bar in Channing drinking a Stroh's and watch the Packers on the television when a big tall rancher from Texas came strolling in. The Texan started drinking and bragging to Toivo about how much money he made and how many head of cattle he owned. He said to Toivo in a loud voice, "I can drive all day and never reach the end of my property!". Toivo replied, "Yah, I got a pickup like dat too, mister."
Eino & Toivo was chikin (hitch hiking) down da US cement highway when Toivo says to Eino "Eh look a dose two Polacks out dare in dat subble field rowin a boat." Den Eino says "Yah hey is dat dumb or what?" Den Toivo says "Don't chu tink ve auta tell dem day can't row no boat in no stubble field." Den Eino says "Ya eh, but we got no boat to git out dare en tell dem wit."
Two Yoopers brothers were putting siding on their house. The older one started on the east side, the other on the west side. After a while, the older brother walked over to the west side to watch his younger brother, (who was dumb as a house,) and see how his work was going. His younger brother would carefully look at each siding nail, and would throw away about half of them. "Why are ya trowing away all da nails?" asked the old brother. "Because da got da heads on da wrong end!" said the younger brother. "Stupid," said the older brother, "I can use dem on MY side of the house!"
Two Yoopers are roofing a house, when a big wind comes along and blows down their ladder. Well, it gets dark and they still have not figured out a way down, when the first Yooper gets an idea. He says, "Hey. I got this flashlight. I'll shine it on the ground and you can climb down the beam of light, set up the ladder, and then I'll climb down." The second Yooper says, "No way. I'll get half the way down and you'll shut off the light."
Two Yoopers head for the Motor City. When they get across the bridge they see a sign that reads "DETROIT LEFT." So they turn around and go home.
Eino just got married and he and his wife are driving down to Saginaw for their honeymoon. As they are driving, his wife slides over next to him, and he starts rubbing her leg. She says, "Honey, now that we're married you can go a lot further than that!" So Eino drove all the way to Detroit!
This French trapper came through the camp and took a lot of heat from the lumberjacks because he seemed so frail. Considering a pair of lumberjacks weighed about a quarter-ton, he was. He told us about the time he came upon a bear while checking his trap line. "I not scare! Shotgun on my arm, shell in my hand. Then she old bear come chase Jacques! I not scare, shotgun on my arm, shell in my hand. I run fast, she old bear run fast! I not scare, shotgun on my arm, shell in my hand! Bear chase Jacques up tree! I not scare, shotgun on my arm, shell in my hand! She old bear start climb up at Jacques! I not scare, shotgun on my arm, shell in my hand but I so damn mad I crap my pants!"
Anio is a lumberjack, and Toivo, well he sells chain saws. One day, Toivo is in Anio's shop, and he says, "wat da heck is des here chain zaws anyways?" Anio responds, "Wat, u a lumberjack, and u ain't never used no chain zaw?" Toivo - "nope" Anio - "well, ere, take dis one out in da woods wit you tomorrow, and I guarantee u will cut tree times de amount of wood ya usually do." Well, Anio is gone all the next day, and at the end of the day, he comes strolling into Toivo's shop. "Dis ere chain zaw ain't no good! I cut and I cut and I cut, an I only got one tird de amount of wood I usually do!" Toivo says "Dere must be sumptin wrong wit it, ere let me see it" Toivo grabs the chain saw and starts it up "GZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" Anio jumps and yells, "Whats dat noise?"
Toivo and Eino left Hubbell one afternoon heading for Shop-ko in Marquette. They got as far as Champion before the car broke down. They worked on the car for a while, but couldn't get it going again, by this time it was pretty late. They walked up the road a bit to the first farmhouse on the left. They asked the woman inside for help, she said she couldn't help them with the car, but they could stay the night and get help in the morning. The next day they got up thanked the woman, got their car fixed, went on to Shop-ko and went home. NINE MONTHS Later...... Toivo goes over to Eino's house....
Toivo: "Eino, do you remember the day we went to Shop-ko and da car broke down?" Eino: " Ya Toivo, I do." Toivo: "Eino, do you remember the nice farmer lady dat helped us?" Eino: "Ya Toivo, I do." Toivo: "Eino, did you walk in your sleep dat night?" Eino: " Ya Toivo, I did." Toivo: "Eino, did you sleep with da farmer lady dat night?" Eino: " Ya Toivo, I did." Toivo: "Eino.... did you tell her your name was TOIVO?" Eino: "uh..... ya Toivo, I did." Toivo: "Tanks, she died and willed me da farm!"
A few years back, on the opening day of deer season, Eino and Toivo went hunting together. Sure enough, as was bound to happen with Eino and Toivo in the same swamp with guns, Eino accidently shot Toivo. Well, Eino jumps into the truck, drives down to the nearest bar and calls the ambulance. Soon, the police, game wardens, fire trucks, paramedics and the ambulance all show up at the scene of the tragedy. The paramedics work frantically on Toivo while a nervous Eino waits nearby. Finally, one of the exhausted paramedics comes over to Eino. "I'm sorry," he says, "We did everything we could. We just couldn't save him." "OH NO!" cries Eino. "My best friend! What will I do? I'm so sorry, Toivo! What could I have done to save you?" "Well," said the paramedic, with a look of disgusted anger on his face, "It would've helped if you hadn't gutted him first!"
One day, Toivo and Eino were hunting in the woods. Toivo instructed Eino that if he got lost, to fire 3 shots into the air. Eino agreed and they went on their way. After a few hours, Eino had gotten lost. He aims his weapon into the air, fires 3 shots and prays, "Please God, let Toivo see my arrows."
Eino & Toivo made their living working in the woods. After seeing commercials on tv they decided that the Air Force would be a perfect choice for a new career so they went to the recruiters's office to sign up. A few days later, Eino got a letter in the mail stating that he had been accepted as a pilot and was given instructions on where and when to report. Toivo heard nothing. Toivo was outraged and went back to the recruiter's office to find out why they took Eino and not him. The recruiter explained that they had openings for pilots and Eino said he was an experienced pilot, but they just didn't have any openings for a woodcutter which was the occupation Toivo had stated. "But, " in an exasperated voice, Toivo explained, "if I didn't cut the wood, Eino couldn't pile it (pilot).
An out-of-stater dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter is showing him around. Everything is glorious. There is a music hall with every kind of music, all played with angelic perfection. The dining hall offers food beyond compare. And the residences, St. Peter assures him, are comfortable beyond all imagination. On their way to the residence halls, they turn down a hall where everyone is chained to the wall. St. Peter offers no comment as they continue down the long passageway. After a few minutes the man asks St. Peter. "If this is Heaven and everything is so wonderful why are these people chained up?" St Peter answers, "Oh. Those are the downstate Michiganders, If we don't keep them chained up they try to go to their cabins in the UP on the weekends."
Eino, and Tovio went fishing one sunny bright day and were catching fish like crazy. Eino said, "We better mark this spot so we can come back and catch more fish." Torvo then proceeded to mark the bottom of the boat with a large X. Eino asked him what he was doing, and Toivo told him he was marking the spot so they could come back tomorrow to catch more fish. Eino said, " You big dummy, how do you know we are going to get the same boat tomorrow?" Da Yo
UUP Yooper pledge of allegiancee
I _____________________ pledge allegiance to the U.P.
I promise to:
1. Say "eh?" after every sentence.
2. Eat Pasties every Tuesday.
3. Go for a "carride" & pick berries.
4. Eat "kala mojaka", "juustua", and "fiilia".
5. Women: Go shopping during deer season. Men: Go to deer camp.
6. Take a sauna every Wednesday & Saturday.
of Da Upper Pula
In the beginning dere was nuttin'. Den...
On da FIRST day, God created da UP.
On da SECOND day, He created da partridge, da deer, da bear, da fish, and da ducks.
On da THIRD day, He said "Let dere be Yoopers to roam da Upper Peninsula."
On da FOURTH day, God created da udder world down below.
On da FIFTH day, He said "Let dere be trolls to live in da udder world down below."
On da SIXTH day, He created da bridge, so da trolls would have a way to get to heaven.
God saw it was good and on da SEVENTH day, He went huntin'.
THER FUN THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT THE U.P.
One day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
People who have say "I have half a mind to go to the U.P." have all the right equipment.
Nearly 30% of residents in Schoolcraft County in the U.P. are graduates of the sixth grade.
If you fly a straight line from Sault Ste. Marie to Ironwood, you'll see a lot of trees.
Dollar Bay in the U.P. was named after the annual salary in the area.
The U.P. is the supplier of mosquitos to the free world.
There are two seasons in the U.P. -- Swat and Shovel.
People in the U.P. wear boots because they are in style - not because there is snow on the ground.
Michigan's U.P. was never considered as a site for the state capital; however, it does have a town named Ralph.
A funny letter about beavers
State Office Building 6th Floor 350 Ottawa NW Grand Rapids MI 49503-2341 John Engler, Governor Russell J. Harding, Director Department Of Environmental Quality Hollister Building, PO Box 30473, Lansing MI 48909-7973
December 17, 1997 CERTIFIED MAIL
Mr. Ryan De Vries 2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339
Dear Mr. DeVries:
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division
RESPONSE
Dear Mr. Price:
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.
First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of BEAVERS are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, throughout the freedom of information act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation.
I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence which the department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter-being unable to read) - be sure they are read the Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers-be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives to its name, it should protect the natural resources Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office via another government organization - the dam USPS
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Ohio State joke?" The guy replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I am 6' tall, 200 lbs. and I am a OSU. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and he is a OSU Graduate. The guy right next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and he is also a OSU Graduate. Now, you still wanna tell me that joke?" The first guy says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times"
It was reported that the Ohio State Coach Lloyd Carr will only be dressing 20 players for the Michigan game the rest of the players will have to dress themselves! Did you hear that the Ohio State University libra
ry burned to the ground? All five books in the library were completely destroyed... .the football team is really upset by the fire; they hadn't colored in two of the books yet!
What's the only sign of intelligent life in Columbus? Ann Arbor, Michigan : 187 Miles
What does the average Ohio State University student get on his SAT? Drool
How do you get a Ohio State Graduate off your front porch? Pay him for the pizza
Four college Alumni were climbing a mountain one day: A OSU grad, a Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal fan of their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way to the top when the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountainside shouting, "This is for the fighting Irish!" Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Nittany Lions!" Seeing this, the OSU grad walked over and shouted, "This is for the Wolverines!" and pushed the OSU grad off the mountain.
What did the OSU grad say to the Michigan grad? "Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order please?"
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the store." "But, I'm a OSU graduate," the young man replied indignantly, "I even played football there!" Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I better show you how."
Two OSU football players were hootin' and hollerin' while partying on campus when a bartender asked them why they were celebrating. The smart one said proudly that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them two months. "Two months?!" exclaimed the bartender. The Buckeye proudly replied, "Yeah, the box said 4 -6 years!"
A Buckeye football player was almost killed today in a tragic horseback riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out an unplugged the horse just in time.
A little boy and his mother were walking through a Michigan cemetery, when they came upon a headstone that read: "Here lies a Ohio State graduate and a good man." The little boy asked his mother, "Mommy, why did they bury two people in there?"
Why is ice no longer available at Ohio State football games? Because the senior who knew the recipe finally graduated.
Russ Ravary is a licensed real estate agent in the State of Michigan and a Realtor.
Photos, Comp and Listing Information Courtesy of Realcomp II Ltd, Properties shown have been listed and sold by various MLS member REALTOR® agents.
I do not guarantee or warrantee any of the above information. Please feel free to verify any of the facts. I recommend to always have a home inspection, always consult an attorney about contracts, Purchase agreements and any legal questions. Also consult a CPA or accountant about tax consequence regarding a Michigan home sale, or Michigan foreclosure.